The Purpose

Ok, I obviously have not blogged in quite some time. I think about it often, but then remember where I left off. It seems that the thought of reliving the most painful parts of my life is keeping me from doing the thing I have felt called to do. I have prayed and prayed about it…not just once, but every time I think about writing. However, the prayers haven't been about WHAT to write, they have been about asking for the STRENGTH to write.

This morning, I woke up - feeling overwhelmed by all that we commit ourselves to - and began to pray. As on most mornings, I felt the call to write. And, as on most mornings, I began to plead with God.

It normally goes something like this, "Oh man, seriously? Ok, but first I have to get my coffee." As I go down the stairs, I trip over a cat meowing at me for food and/or to be let outside. When I get to the kitchen, I see that the dogs got into the trash can…again. Then, in my head, I begin to blame my teenage daughter for not taking out the trash instead of laying on the couch all afternoon with her boyfriend. When I go to the kitchen cabinet to retrieve my coffee mug, I find that there are no clean mugs…in fact, there is a sink full of dishes (pretty standard, really). Again, I begin to think blaming thoughts about my children for not doing their chores. Upon rinsing out a mug, I begin to prepare my coffee. While I wait for the coffee to be ready, I go from window to window, pulling back all of the curtains to let some light in. As I go from window to window and room to room, each area greets me with some form of neglect (again, nothing new): dusty furniture, stains on the carpet, mail thrown onto my desk that needs to be opened, cups on the floor from the trash in the kitchen, snack wrappers left on the coffee table...

And so, the day begins.

The bell on the kitchen timer "dings" to remind me to get my coffee.

On a normal day, I would get my coffee and either begin to clean up any of the afore mentioned messes, (completely forgetting about my earlier conversation with God) or I would continue my conversation with God as I cleaned, all the while pointing out that "I do not have time to spend doing things like blogging!"  Sound familiar???

However, this morning, the prayer in my bedroom went a little differently. As I felt the usual dread creeping into my thoughts about writing about my first marriage (and believe me…there is MUCH to dread!) and subsequently, the deaths of my husband and father, God gave me something different…a sense of peace. That's how I know it is God. It is that "peace that passes all understanding". You don't just go in an instant from your heart racing and an overwhelming feeling of doubt in yourself, to having an answer and feeling like you could easily go back to sleep.

Here is the answer:

This blog was not meant to be a place for me to relive the past, but it is meant to be a place to write about my present; to share with anyone who wants (or needs) to connect with someone else who struggles to get through each and every day in a world that is too busy to stop and ask, "Are you still ok?"

So, that is what I am going to do. But there is still the question, "Why should anyone listen to me?" This question prompted me to write about the "painful stuff" in the first place. While it is important to know what my life experiences have been, God has revealed that the details are not as important for this task. Let's suffice it to say that I have experienced quite a bit of loss. As I wrote in a previous post (a year ago!), I lost my Mom to cancer when I was a teenager.  After that, I spent 6 years in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage to a man with bipolar disorder – with whom I have a teenage daughter. (This is the story that is most difficult to write about. I think it is because it is an issue that I continue to deal with because of my commitment to my daughter and because it was the one situation in which I could have done things differently.) I then married an amazing, funny, Christian man. Six months later, we found out on a Monday that I was pregnant (yay!). That Friday, we learned that my husband had terminal cancer. He died of metastatic bone cancer (like my mother) 18 months later. I was 28.  Then, 2 years after that, my father died of a heart attack. I praise God he did not have to suffer like my Mom and my husband.

In a nutshell, that is my story.

My goal now is to write about my daily experiences and pray very fervently that if anyone feels alone, they will find this blog (or another one that they need to read) and know that they are not.

1 Thessalonians 5: 14-15 tells us to "…encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." This is the purpose of this blog. Who knows? Maybe it is my purpose.

Most importantly for the lonely, God IS there. As Rev. Diane Presley pointed out in her sermon yesterday, "He is in everything".

But the only way you will sense him and his peace is to turn to him. Just like a parent, he is always waiting for you, ready to help. But, like a parent, he cannot force you. You say, "I have called to him!" I say, "Have you truly listened?" Or have you given up when you didn't hear what you expected to hear? Trust me, I did! Never give up.

" ¹⁶ Rejoice always, [even when it hurts!]¹⁷ pray continually,¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances [because, as Rev. Presley made clear, God is there, "moving", even if you don't always feel him]; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 Heavenly Father,

I love you so, so much. You have been with me when I have felt like no one else was. You were there even when I doubted you. And, as the years have gone by and I have looked for you, you have revealed yourself to me, again and again.

Thank you for the Holy Spirit. Thank you for your forgiving ways and for never giving up on me. Thank you for showing me each and every day where you want me to go and what you want me to do, if only I will ask and if only I will listen to YOUR answer.

I pray, Lord, that you will wrap your amazing, loving arms around those who are hurting. I pray that you will gently, lovingly fill them with the strength to call upon you. I pray that you will lead them to this blog or to wherever they need to go to find the strength they need and that when they read it, or hear it, they will be able to discern your will, Lord; not mine, not anyone else's, but yours.

In the name of YOUR son, Jesus Christ, Amen.